I’m sure I’m not alone here, but I tend to go through my days trying to carry all my burdens on my back. I don’t think I do it consciously, but there’s something inside of me that doesn’t see any other option. You have to just “deal” with everything that comes along. You also have to absorb any feelings of hurt, fear, loneliness, or frustration that might come up. No time to sit and wallow in feelings. Perhaps that’s just the “busy” person’s argument.
I certainly consider myself busy. But I know a lot of busy people who seem to be better at handing their burdens over to God. And they always appear to be more joyful. More at peace with their circumstances. I think that sometimes I believe it’s weak or ungrateful to bring my needs to God. I don’t know why. So I lug around my burdens until they become too heavy.
For me, this tendency of carrying everything on my own usually results in something extreme snapping me out of it. The other day, it was hitting my head on the car door. While this is never a pleasant experience, this time around it brought about a full-on emotional breakdown in the grocery store parking lot. Suddenly, waves of emotion came over me, about several different areas of my life – motherhood, my job, my love life…it all just hit me. In my car, in tears, telling God how sad and scared I was about some parts of my life. And while I know God doesn’t enjoy seeing me in pain, and I wouldn’t say he caused me to hit my head, it was what it took to get my attention.
I’ve been trying to figure out why it is so important for me to bring these things to God and to resist carrying them myself. And I think I’ve come to understand that carrying it all creates a heavier version of myself. To be free, and to show those around me who God is, my heard needs to be open and light. In order to be who He wants me to be, I have to trust that he wants to take those things from me and do with them what must be done.